You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
