maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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