Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
