Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
