I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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