Please, let me fuck your mom
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
