I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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