my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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