How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
