I could make wine with my vomit
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
