I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
