i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
