i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
