I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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