I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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