I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
