he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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