***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish I only lived at night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
