that's an acceptable place to lick
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
