First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
