So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
