you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
