Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
