Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
