Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
