just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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