just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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