My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
