I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
