fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
