headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
