I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
