Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
