Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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