All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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