You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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