the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
