Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
