I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
