your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
