Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
