I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
