so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You have to summon your inner elephant
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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