You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
