We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love you. Go after that dick
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
