Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This is the high leading the old right now
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have aggressive nipples.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
