Can Purell be used as lube?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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