Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
