guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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