when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
