I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
