god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
